Conflict into Connection Pt. 1

Couples often come to my office relating to their relational issues as communication issues. Often as a therapist, I’m listening deeply to what’s underlying the emotional communication and guiding individuals within couples back to their own process to discover what’s happening for them - in their bodies, in the messages they’re sending and receiving through their surface communication - and helping them get clear in expressing their needs, boundaries, and requests with their partner. This style of communication, if received and given with enough frequency, is what helps couples to deepen in safety, a sense of belonging to their partnership, and intimacy.

Once we work together to lessen the conflict and start to create rituals of having deeper conversations, there are some principles that guide my work with couples in terms of communication. Here are a couple of them:

Listening Selflessly The therapy process guides partners in developing patience and presence, to be able to listen and take in their partner’s perspective, reflect in a way that shows the partner they’ve heard their view, and to respond to their partner in a way that helps to build understanding. Often, I will help partners to slow down so this selfless listening has a fertile ground to grow.

Understanding over Winning There are many reasons power struggles form in relationship (that’s for another post), and in therapy, I remain anchored to helping arguments orient toward fostering deeper understanding. This allows for partners to find a way to meet in the middle without losing themselves. It honors the relationship as its own entity each individual is pouring into, and has agency within. This is how conflict becomes a growth agent, helping partners learn about themselves within partnership, their values, dreams, fears and desires.

Once these principles firmly take root in the relationship, the conflicts are to lessen. In my next post, I will describe two more communication values that, if followed, turn conflict into connection.

To learn more about the work I do and chat about starting couples therapy, reach out for a free 20-minute consultation.